Posted At : August 4, 2009 12:03 PM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS Coaches
Below is a message from one of our AMS coaches, Damian Wargo of the King's Men, about an upcoming unique retreat they are having for men.
Are you desirous of an experience like no other in the great outdoors? Do you wonder why you as a man feel most at home in nature? Do you feel like you have missed out on some outdoor initiation experiences as a young man? Then the “Into the Wild” retreat weekend is your answer. The King’s Men are sponsoring an outdoor experiential weekend for men at French Creek State Park in Elverson, PA, on September 10-13. Come and learn with other men who are seeking growth in their masculine calling as leaders, protectors, and providers. Join The King’s Men leader team for an exciting outdoor faith experience filled with activities that are sure to bring your masculine heart alive! For more information, visit www.intothewildweekend.com or call Damian Wargo at 215-906-8878.
Posted At : July 25, 2009 2:55 PM | Posted By : Karen Rumore
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AMS Coaches
The concept of “The Box” was something I created for clients very early on in my career after watching people coerce themselves (and others) into relationships that were clearly not meant to be. Most of us have a “laundry list” of traits, characteristics, and qualities that we desire in a mate. Some, not all, even have very specific ideas as to what their dream man or woman looks like. Hopefully, things like appearance would be included in the items that are placed outside The Box. What goes in The Box are those traits that are too true to the core of who we are to compromise on them. Yes, relationships are all about compromising and self-sacrificial love, but, at the same time, we cannot compromise who we are in doing so. Things like spirituality, level of affection, sense of humor, etc., belong inside The Box. There are no right or wrong answers to these statements, but rather a compatibility that is necessary. If you are a very affectionate person and talk yourself into a relationship with someone who is physically non-demonstrative, eventually you will end up feeling unattractive and even unloved. The dialogue with self might sound something like this: “Well, he/she is so smart, interesting, attractive, and funny that it’s OK he or she doesn’t hug me. I’m just needy.” Denying one’s own legitimate needs is dangerous!
This self-renunciation will be acceptable only for a time. Ultimately, you will begin to feel empty, and as though you are not loved. The other could justifiably say, “But I have always been this way!” Now, this does not necessarily mean one should immediately walk away from someone if there is something unchecked in The Box. It does mean that the item needs to be addressed as soon as it is identified. You may learn that he/she has experienced some trauma in the past regarding touch and may be willing to work it through. However, you may learn that he or she is opposed to working on it and will remain non-affectionate. This could be evidenced by them telling you, “This is just who I am,” or he says he will change, and remains the same. When this happens, you seriously need to consider whether you wish to live the rest of your life feeling disconnected from and even rejected by the one you love the most. This does not just apply to touch but is applicable to all the items in The Box. Address it. Find the reason for the incompatibility. See if there is desire for change and assess whether or not their actions are matching their words. Allow me to repeat that: ASSESS WHETHER OR NOT THEIR ACTIONS ARE CONSISTENT WITH THEIR WORDS! An important note: If you encounter the case given above where someone directly tells you, “This is who I am,” BELIEVE them! Women especially tend to write their own scripts and can even twist a statement as forthright as that to satisfy their own desires.
Before we go any further, I would like you to take out a piece of paper and create your dream Mr./Mrs. Right. Go crazy and be as specific as you possibly can be. Think back on past dating experiences. What do you believe you cannot live without and what you do not want to live through ever again? You might even want to take a couple of days to complete the exercise and come back to it later. When you have finished your list, take out another piece of paper and prioritize the attributes, virtues, and characteristics you have just described. As you go down the list, with your most important quality being listed in the number one spot, you will come to a point of being able to say, “I would really like to have this trait in someone, but I could live without it.” That is where you draw the line. Everything going from that point toward number one is now contained within your Box. Everything in The Box has become your blueprint and guide to gauge whether the one you are dating is worth moving forward with.
What is very, very, VERY important is that everything in your Box is something you possess yourself. For example, if you are looking for someone who is faith-filled, but not practicing your faith, you need to seek the Lord before seeking a mate. If you desire someone who is financially stable and you are a spendthrift, you need to curb your spending first and educate yourself on fiscal responsibility. In other words, you need to get to work on becoming the person in your Box yourself first!
Important considerations for your Box
• Relationship with the Lord
• Attitude toward birth control/abortion
• Sense of humor (Again, there is no right or wrong, it is just important that you “get” each other, as laughter carries a long way in healing and in difficult times.)
• Level of demonstrative affection
• Views on parenting
• Views on stay-at-home moms
• The manner in which he or she handles finances
• Etc.
Things you would prefer to have in a mate but can live without are placed outside The Box
• Playing certain sports
• Love of travel
• Musically talented
• Hair color
• Eye color
• Height
• Weight
• Etc.
An example of a woman’s list might look something like this. . .
• Attends Mass more than Sundays and Holy days
• Prays daily
• Demonstrates signs of introspection and is able to share his insights with me
• Believes in natural family planning
• Believes in mothers staying at home with their children
• Cracks me up! Can laugh at himself and helps me laugh at myself
• Is not afraid to challenge me to grow and is interested in helping me become the person God created me to be
• Thinks of me and shows it in the little things
• Is appreciative of the little things I do to show him I have thought of him
• Has his own group of friends and interests
• Is generous toward friends and family with his time, talent and treasure
• Understands that men and women are different and that an ongoing dialogue is going to be necessary throughout the life of the relationship
• Is family oriented
• Is open to counseling should there come a time it becomes necessary
• Likes to dance
• Likes music
• Likes golf
• Likes the beach
• Likes to cook
• At least 6 feet tall
• Olive complected
• Dark hair, preferably with a wave
• Dark eyes
• Great teeth
• Physically fit
• Likes to travel
You get the idea. Remember, The Box above was just one example. Everyone’s Box is going to be different. For someone else, traveling or even dancing could actually be legitimate items in your Box. I am thinking of my friend John, who is an avid dancer and even teaches dance. While not up there at the level of Mass attendance and personal insight, dancing is such a passion for him that I could not begin to imagine him with someone who does not share that passion. He loves to share it with the one he is most passionate about, his bride, and what a wonderful duo they are! The same thing goes for travel and many other items on the list that could have greater value for one person than another. The important thing here is to be honest with yourself and not to deny a real need.
On the flip side, things that you once thought were important, typically physical appearance, matter less and less as you get to know someone. It’s funny how often I have seen a man who has had a very distinct look in the women he has dated over and over again, only to marry someone who looks completely different. The same goes for a woman who thought it was so important to be with a man who was tall and ended up with someone just her size. These are NOT examples of settling for less, but a matter of recognizing new priorities. Just as it is important to not deny real needs, it is just as important to not elevate something to a need that is not.
The whole point of The Box is this:
• Do not waste time disregarding men or women because of traits that could have nothing to do with compatibility.
• Do not try to convince yourself to believe something is good when it is not. If indeed God created you to live out your vocation as a husband or a wife, then He also created the one He intends you to live out that vocation with to the fullest (John 10:10). When you disregard the items in your Box, it is like telling God, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’ve got a better idea.” Yet, when troubles arise, God is the first one blamed. “How could You let this happen to me?”
The Box is not about getting eight checks out of ten or a percentage; just the opposite. Every item in The Box must be checked. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for serious emptiness, letdowns, and unnecessary pain. Am I asking you to find the perfect mate? No! I am asking you to find the one who is perfect for you, the one God intends. Relationships require hard work. However, the more checks you have in your Box, the more productive and fruitful your joint work will be! God has sown into you the qualities in your Box that make up the treasure of who you are. It is up to you to protect them!
Posted At : July 22, 2009 9:41 AM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS Trips/Events
Just a reminder again that Fr. Benedict Groeschel is giving several talks on love and marriage this Saturday, July 25, at the National Shrine of Our Lady of Czestochowa in Doylestown, PA (outside of Philadelphia), starting with Mass at 10 a.m. It is a day retreat that ends at 4 p.m. This is being sponsored by Ave Maria Singles and it is a fund-raiser for us. No pre-registration is required. Just show up and register at the door. There is no set cost, either. We are just taking donations that day. Click here to read more about the day retreat and the schedule. Bring your own lunch, or you can pay for lunch at the Shrine's cafeteria.
Fr. Groeschel called me on the phone a month ago and insisted that he do this retreat for me to make up for having to cancel being at our June retreat. So I hope you will all appreciate his efforts to make himself available for you by attending this special opportunity.
Father will present 3 talks and give the homily at the Mass. The talks relate to what makes for a truly happy and holy marriage. The talks are not just for singles but apply to everyone, so please let everyone know about this opportunity to see and listen to Fr. Groeschel.
To get a printable flyer to put in your church vestibules or to give to your pastor, click here or go to: http://www.avemariasingles.com/pdfs/FrGroeschelRetreatFlyer.pdf
The retreat ends at 4 p.m. Bring your own lunch, or the shrine will provide lunch you can purchase.
There is no set charge for this event. We are only taking donations at the door. No need to register. Just show up. This is an AMS fund-raiser, so we are hoping people will be generous at the door. Again, bring your friends and relatives, or your church groups. All are welcome.
Please spread the word about this day retreat. I would be grateful. And hopefully I will see you there.
Posted At : July 9, 2009 8:32 PM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS Coaches
As I reflect on my dating life prior to marriage, I can’t help but think of how exhausting and deflating at times the journey was for me. The constant thought that I needed to be in a relationship with someone to give my life more meaning and purpose was an unhealthy lie that I all-too-often bought into along the way. In my immediate recall are a series of painful blind dates that served to teach me all about the things you shouldn’t do on a blind date. Perhaps I will write a future blog titled: “The Top Ten Things You Shouldn’t Do on a Blind Date.” Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for all those who asked if I would be interested in being set up on a date. Although I have to chuckle to myself when I think of all the family members and friends who said they had the “perfect girl” for me. Don’t these people realize when they say things like this that it gives you an expectation of the blind date that is almost never fulfilled?
Despite my failures in dating, I have tried over the years to be a good student of my life. As I look back now after 14 months of marriage to the woman of truly my dreams, I am grateful for the journey that I traveled because it led me to a deeper knowledge of the vocation of marriage. In my twenties, I dated with no real understanding of the sacrament of matrimony. Back then I figured if I found someone I liked and eventually could love, provided we dated long enough, then I would ask that girl to marry me. The primary question that I was asking myself was not “Is God calling me to be with this person?” Rather it was “Do I want to be with this person?” There is a huge difference in the answers and an even bigger difference in the results of a “yes” answer.
In my youth and young adult life I was always a very passive man when it came to pursuing and relating to women in relationships. I had yet to develop any real understanding of my role as a man in a dating relationship. My approach and attitude about my role had been largely shaped by society and I am regretful of the mistakes I made and the people I hurt as a result of the passive masculinity I was taught.
Armed today with the biblical understanding of my role as a man in relation to women (Ephesians 5), I write this blog in the hopes that I can spare women the heartache of dating passive men who don’t know the first thing about pursuing and loving women and inspire men to date with a truly masculine heart.
The Art of Pursuing a Woman: A Man’s Perspective
In order to date with a masculine heart, a man must first understand what is required of him to win the heart of a woman. My wife Ryan-Marie shared with me once a powerful quote that I think will serve as a good starting point for all men as they attempt to discover the art of pursuing a woman.
The heart of a woman should be so close to God, that a man must seek the heart of God to find it.
Wow! Think about that one for a moment and ask yourself if your dating up to this point has imaged something like this. I think it would be safe to say that many fall short of this goal. I know I did for years.
So the art of pursuing a woman begins with getting to know the heart of God. If a man is going to effectively pursue a woman then he must ask himself first, am I right with God? I don’t believe it is possible for a man to properly lead, protect and provide for the heart of a woman if he isn’t first living a life pleasing to God. As the old saying goes, “You can’t give what you don’t have!” Therefore a man can’t pursue a woman if he isn’t first pursuing God.
Men are called to be leaders and in order to lead others they must first learn to serve others. If a man is going to properly pursue a woman he must possess a desire to serve the woman he is pursuing. If he does not have this desire then he will serve only himself in a relationship with a woman. Where can a man find and learn how to be a servant? He needs to look to Jesus Christ as his example.
Jesus many times in Sacred Scripture teaches men how to protect the heart of a woman. Remember the Samaritan woman at the well; the woman caught in adultery; the woman who washes Jesus’ feet; and His direction to John to care for His mother at the foot of the cross. Jesus also gives us unique insight into friendship with women in His interactions with Martha and Mary. These examples should be helpful in guiding men into right relationship with women.
As a man contemplates how he can possibly change his approach to pursuing women based on the above, I invite him to consider these powerful words of wisdom:
It requires the strength of a real man to care for the heart of a woman. It takes the beauty of a real woman to arouse the courage of a real man.
A man benefits greatly from a woman who allows herself to be pursued and who understands how to encourage this type of pursuit from a man.
Allowing Herself to be Pursued: A Woman’s Perspective
Reflecting on my courtship with my wife, I recall how much I came alive as a man when my wife encouraged me to take the lead in our relationship. I distinctly remember how masculine it felt when I was pursuing her. My wife was able to prompt my pursuit in very simple and subtle ways which I would like to share with you now.
First, my wife understood that it was my place to pursue her, but she also knew that it was her responsibility to let me know that she was receptive to my pursuit. For instance, on our first date she subtly indicated that she was willing to go on a second date. She did it in such a way that enabled me to ask her with full confidence to meet again.
During our courtship, my wife did something very simple but very effective in helping me to continue to pursue her. She never called me on her own initiative. That’s right! She would return my calls, but never once till we were engaged did she initiate a phone call. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? When I asked her once when we were engaged why she never called me she said she had no intention of calling me during our courtship. She did this so as to continually encourage me to keep coming forward, to keep pursuing her!
My wife was also very good at encouraging chivalrous behavior. Whenever we would travel by car, my wife would wait at the car door if I ever forgot to open it for her. She never emasculated me with this, but she would simply wait for me to realize what I failed to do. I know it is a small act of courtesy, but believe me when I say it goes a long way in helping a man take the lead in a relationship. Try it, ladies! Trust me, it works, and don’t be afraid of the response. If he won’t open the door for you, he is not worthy of your heart. Sorry, men! Looks like the bar has just been raised for you, but relationships and marriage will be better for it.
Posted At : June 29, 2009 11:09 AM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS Trips/Events
I just returned from our annual June retreat at Malvern Retreat House. We ended up with 100 people exactly, and it was an even split of men and women, which made it so fantastic! The retreat really surpassed my expectations, and most people personally told me at the end not only how much they enjoyed it, but even how much it changed their lives. I am always impressed with how the Holy Spirit works on the people who attend. In addition, three couples who met on last year’s retreat showed up at the retreat house to tell me personally that they met last year and are engaged or married. I was blown away by that! There is no doubt these retreats are amazing and powerful, and I plan to keep doing them because they are very much needed. But in case you think I am biased, there are already comments posted on Malvern’s blog from those who attended that you can see for yourself.
I hope those of you who attended will comment on this blog post as well share with others your comments about this retreat.
Next year, the June retreat is the weekend of June 4th. I forget the exact dates, but it is the first weekend of June. Malvern is already taking reservations for it, so feel free to call them at 610-644-0400 to register!
I am very excited to start planning next year’s June retreat and see the wonderful group of people God has planned to attend. I hope those of you reading this will be among them.
Posted At : May 26, 2009 9:31 AM | Posted By : Karen Rumore
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AMS Coaches
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.” ~ St. Augustine
So, you have discerned that you are called to married life. Now what? Sit and wait for the Lord to place someone on your door step? After all, you have done the hard work of discernment, you were obedient to the inspirations that the Lord gave you. Now, it is time for God to act. Only, He has not. You are still waiting. Now what?
St. Augustine teaches us to “pray as though everything depended on God” but to “work as though everything depended on you.” You have discerned what, now it is time to discern how and who. God works with each of us in very different ways. After all, we are all His children. Every good and loving parent knows their children have different needs, different temperaments, are motivated by different means and respond differently to the challenges of life. How the Father works in the life of your best friend, or even in the life of your siblings, is very different from how He will work in yours. You have to learn to be attentive to the promptings of His Spirit and to listen to His voice guiding you and teaching you every step of the way.
The question is: are you ready to open your heart to really listen in prayer, to listen to His voice even if you do not initially agree with or understand the answer? Are you ready to turn your focus from searching for the husband/wife that may be intended for you, to becoming the spouse God intends you to be? If you answered a resounding 'yes' with little or no reflection, take a breath and ask yourself again. Was your 'yes' more about your desire to be ready, than an actual examination of your true readiness? If so, return to the starting line and do not pass 'go' until you do so! Being ready in desire does not equate to being ready in preparedness. That being said, it does not necessarily mean you should not be dating. As a matter of fact, it is quite the contrary. If we are healthy, open people who sincerely desire truth (both about the world and about ourselves) we will learn from and grow with every person we encounter. So, I ask again, is your focus in dating on becoming the spouse God intended you to be or in landing a mate best suited to your needs, desires, and sometimes, unfortunately, delusions? By shifting your dating focus to an open desire to grow, you are becoming the person, and husband/wife that God intended from the start. You may grow with the one you are dating into the man and wife God intends you both to be and discern that you were, indeed, created for one another. You, or he/she, may discern it is not the right time, or that you are just not right for each other in the eyes of your heavenly Father. Either way, you are still growing toward the fullness of your intended vocation. What price are you willing to pay for that growth?
At times we are willing to endure terribly unpleasant remedies to foster physical healing and growth. What about our souls, our hearts, our minds? Honesty and self-examination are the best medicines for personal growth toward wholeness, although they may not be pleasant either, and may not initially be the easiest “pills” to swallow. Like many medications, they may even have a bitter after taste. Like those unpleasant healing agents we get used to, you will grow accustomed to the hard-to-swallow truth about yourself and to the bitter after taste of recognizing your darkness. Just like those prescriptions that ultimately bring feelings of wellness, allowing the Light to shine in these dark places brings a healing to your soul. Now we need to ask ourselves, are you ready for honesty? Are you ready to get real with yourself and with your dates?
In dating, old wounds will be opened. Notice I did not say, 'may' or 'can'. Nothing brings issues to the fore like a relationship, but, this is a good thing! Too many people live their lives in fear of being able to trust again, of being vulnerable again, of facing down old demons. The thing is, we project that fear onto the other (ie - “will he/she be trustworthy?”) The truth of the matter is, what the person you are dating does, does not matter nearly as much as what you do. Yes, that's right, it does not matter! What all of us have to realize is that we need to trust ourselves in order to remain whole. If someone does leave us, hurt us or is even found to be untrustworthy, we can rely on a new confidence in ourselves and more importantly, in God's plan for us. If we trust ourselves to respond appropriately, and to not allow ourselves to be mistreated, we will walk away if and when necessary. We will realize we are not helpless lambs in danger of being hurt again. We will also stop testing and waiting for the other to prove him/herself, which is a dangerous and tiresome dance. Shifting the responsibility of trust to ourselves changes everything, especially those old damaging self-fulfilling prophecies.
One self-proclaimed 'little lamb' I treated was traumatized by a dating situation in her late teens. The aftermath remained with her well into her late 20's. Although she had gotten over her old boyfriend in terms of feelings for him, she had not fully healed from the pain of the relationship, particularly the anger she felt toward herself for allowing him to treat her as he did. Consequently, the moment she began to feel close to someone again, she literally began to have nightmares about the ex. Initially, these dreams catapulted her into great fear and anxiety. She fell into the lie that her heart was in great danger. As her feelings deepened for the man in her present, the anxiety of her past grew exponentially. For too many years, whenever a relationship began to evolve, she gave into the fears and withdrew from almost all phases of her life: dating, family, friends, etc. She literally indulged in negative, self-fulfilling prophecies that ultimately destroyed her relationships and reinforced the fear and the prophecy. Her trust in the Lord and in herself began to grow when she was able to face down those demons and realize she was worth infinitely more than what her former boyfriend had led her to believe. Now she is able to keep her past separate from her present. Hopefully, they will never met again, at least not on that issue. I always tell my clients that anxiety is a big liar, the biggest there is. Once we stop running from it, turn, look the bully squarely in the eye and call it for what it is, we are finally free once and for all!
Think about something you once feared - driving, flying, playing a sport, going to college, etc. You overcame it and most likely, can't even begin to relate to having such a fear any more. When I was young, I totaled my car in a terrible accident and was physically incapable of driving for more than 6 months. With so much time for that fear to build, when I was finally medically released to do so I was terrified to drive. It was only in repeatedly doing the very thing I feared, that I was finally free of it. Years later, I took a job that required an hour's commute each way. I even drove from Pennsylvania to Indiana alone. Now, I cannot even begin to get in touch with the fear that once paralyzed me. Fear, in regard to relationships, especially the relationship with ourselves, is no different. It is what we do with these anxieties that either enslaves us to them or strengthens us to grow away from them and more toward the person God created us to be.
Too often, we become so fixated on how to attain that other person that we lose the focus of striving toward becoming the person God intended and can even lose who we are. We cannot wait for someone else to bring happiness to our lives. If we do, when they arrive we can be so desperate that they will not want to come anywhere near us. The important thing is that we want to create a life that we are proud of, at peace with and yes, happy with, even when we are by ourselves. That way, when someone does enter the picture they are the icing on our cake, so to speak, and we have a firm foundation. If we do not have the foundation to “ice”, there is nothing to “stick to” and it will not last.
Just by signing up for this site, you have already demonstrated wisdom in recognizing that dating takes work. Hopefully, you will participate in the events made available to you. Now, I suggest that you commit to doing the internal work of prayer, listening, trusting in God's plan - not yours, and turn your focus to becoming a great catch instead of focusing on who you are going to catch!
Are you ready? Are you ready to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what areas of darkness and brokenness you need to bring out into God's light? Are you ready to ask Jesus, the Bridegroom, to teach you how to be the spouse He intended you to be? Are you ready to get to work to free yourself from preconceived notions formed in the past, about yourself, about others and about relationships and accept that there is so much more than you ever bargained for? Are you ready to work as though it all depended on you? Are you ready to commit yourself to prayer and to learn to depend upon your loving Father to illuminate the path He has set just for you? Are you ready?
It is time to get ready! It is time to get real! It is time to listen!
So now, get to work as though everything depends on you and pray as though everything depends on God!
By Karen Rumore, Certified Christian Life Coach, LSW, MSW
Posted At : May 26, 2009 9:21 AM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS Coaches
I’m heading toward a Vocation, but I got stuck in this State…
Ann M. Hanincik, M.T.S.
Opening ourselves to the Lord – to His will for us and to His working in our hearts – sounds easy enough on paper. Saying, “I am open” is a snap; being open is an entirely different matter. And yet, the two are not unrelated. Even if I don’t “feel” something when I say those words, simply saying them is not useless. Sometimes just keeping faith with the Lord, letting Him take the “burden of belief,” so to speak, has to suffice as part of my spiritual growth. The more I let myself go and place everything in His hands, the more I learn faithfulness, trust, and real love. In fact, I end up becoming more like God, who is ever-faithful to me - even when I act like a lazy jerk.
What does all of this have to do with being a single person desiring marriage? In this series of columns, we’ll take a look at the desire for marriage alongside the desire to “do things God’s way” – to respond to His will for our lives - and try to understand just what that way is. We’ll reflect on the meaning and method of discernment, that is, what it means to “discern my vocation.” We’ll also look at what it means to live here and now, in anticipation of the fulfillment of our desires. Having a desire for marriage, but living in the “not yet,” can be at best challenging, and at worst, very painful. But it can – and should –be a source of joy and fruitfulness. Through these pages, we’ll work on discerning how that can be, and how we can live as the men and women God created us to be right where we are. But to begin things from the beginning, it’s helpful to look at two terms that are closely related, but often confused as being synonymous: vocation and state in life.
We are exhorted just about every Sunday to “pray for an increase in vocations.” We’re told there is a “vocations crisis,” and that without more vocations, our Church will become smaller, weaker, and might just disappear. This is all true, but not for the reason you may be thinking. You see, the real vocations crisis is the fact that most Catholics don’t realize they have one – let alone that they should be living it as robustly as possible. Common parlance has made the word vocation refer simply to one’s calling to the priesthood or religious life. If one “has a vocation,” it necessarily means a one-way ticket to the seminary or convent. The problem is that we are confusing vocation – in the broad sense – with its specification, namely one’s state in life. The word vocation (from the Latin, vocare) means “calling,” and anyone called to the priesthood or religious life is certainly called by God. But there is a vocation – a particular calling – that precedes it, and which forms the very structure of our being: the vocation to love.
This vocation is present in all of us from the moment of our creation. We were created by Love (God), with love and for love. Everything about us – our sex (maleness and femaleness), our physical being and spiritual soul, our intellect and will, and our personalities – is meant to be the embodiment of this structure of love. In and through our Baptism this structure is animated - through our words and actions, in our sacramental and spiritual life, and in our very being as children of God. Baptism bestows on us our vocation – our priesthood – which is the call to love God and our neighbor. In this way it is true to say that we all have a vocation. The real crisis is that so often we fail to live it out.
If we all have a vocation, and it is to love, then it is the how that really must be discerned. How am I to love others, given the fact that my vocation (my calling from God) is to love as He does? This is where the question of state in life comes in. Our state in life is the how ofthe baptismal vocation to love. There are two ways in which the vocation to love is lived out: in the consecrated state (that is, priesthood or religious life), and in the married state. These two states in life are the how we love, and give flesh to the structure of love God has bestowed on us. Now, you may be thinking, “OK, I understand that. We all have a vocation to love, and our state in life is how we love. There are two states in life: consecrated and married. But wait – I’m neither one of those!! What about me??” This is a great question, and it will be at the heart of the reflections that will follow in the coming months. For now, let’s stay with these terms – vocation and state in life – and flesh them out a bit more. Our next column will begin to look more closely at the two states in life, and where that leaves those of us who seem to land somewhere in the middle.
Back to the question of vocation vs. state in life. The Catechism of the Catholic Church quotes Pope John Paul II in his Apostolic Letter FamiliarisConsortio on the subject of humanity: “Love is the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being.” (2392) This being the case, it would seem that the first obligation we have as persons made in God’s image and likeness is to become good lovers! To love well – fully and completely, without condition – is to be fulfilled. We become the men and women God created us to be when we love. This may seem really simple, or even repetitive (“didn’t she say that already?!”), but it’s fundamentally important to understand. No matter who we are or where we find ourselves in life, the most important thing we can do is to love. You may be thinking to yourself, “I’m pretty sure I know what love is already…but, just for kicks, I’ll ask: what is love?” It’s so simple, so familiar, something we all experience, and yet we tend to complicate love, misidentify it, abuse it, run away from it, or try to force it. For our purposes, let’s boil it down to three simple words: presence, openness, and gift.
To love another is to be present to him: to be attentive, to know him and to be for him. To love is to be open to the other: to make space for him, to be transparent before him, holding no secret or agenda, and being open to the truth of who he is. And to love is to be a gift to the other: to give oneself completely, without reservation or condition, and in light of his fulfillment, rather than one’s own satisfaction. This is love, and this is the vocation of every one of us as God’s own sons and daughters.
Next time we’ll go a little deeper and look specifically at the states in life, and begin to see where we – those folks in the middle – really fit in. In the meantime, spend some time reflecting on your vocation, and right now - where you are - practice loving wholeheartedly, vigorously, and well.
Posted At : February 12, 2009 10:42 AM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS News/Announcements
Well, it's been a week since getting back from our AMS Caribbean cruise January 25-February 1, which was a great success. As always, we had a great group of people, and they made this trip the fantastic experience for all that it was. Photos of the trip have started getting posted at our photo site if you want to see them, www.kodakgallery.com/amstrips.
Immediately upon returning, it was time to start preparing for the next AMS trips/events. Just before leaving for the cruise I posted the promotional page for our annual June retreat . Click here to take a look at the info about the retreat and the schedule. To make reservations, all you have to do is call Malvern at 610-644-0400 to reserve your spot. It's a 4 day retreat and costs $385, including all accommodations and meals. I love this set up because it allows people to arrive any time on Thursday that works best for making travel arrangements. The retreat formally begins Friday morning and ends Sunday morning, so Thursday is used for travel and without any pressure. Those who arrive early in the day can really take advantage of the beautiful grounds and get some good social time with others attending. Sandwiches will be available in the evening for those who need a bite to eat.
Expectations
Last June we had (175) single Catholics. This year I am expecting an even greater turn out (over 200). We received overwhelming positive feedback from last year's attendees who found the mix of talks, spiritual formation and socializing opportunities to be outstanding, especially the opportunity to meet so many single Catholics in one place. To my surprise, my band (who offered an hour of live music at the dance) was quite a hit at the dance. In fact, people were not happy that we did not play longer. So this year, the band is back and excited to play for a longer period of time at the dance. Hey, no one can say that we don't listen to the suggestions of our members :- ) Our "Cana Café" coffee house is back, too, and going to be even better. It's a great place to get coffee 24/7 and sit with other retreatants to talk or play games, and listen to live acoustic music. Maybe we can even get some open mic performances from attendees again.
I hope many of you will take advantage of this retreat. There is so much more to coming to AMS trips than just the possibility of meeting your future spouse (which is always possible). What you learn about yourself, the opportunity for personal growth, and the new outstanding people you get to meet and keep in touch with long after the retreat are of high value. Maybe some past retreatants can post some comments to share with others to back up what I am saying. But there is nothing like the in-person experience, and our trips provide that.
Invite Others
It's been great seeing how members have invited other AMS members to attend the retreat as an opportunity to meet in person the first time or to get to know each other more. It's a great idea and highly recommend it. Also, feel free to invite other single Catholics you know who are not AMS members. They are most welcome.
Again, to make reservations, call Malvern Retreat House at 610-644-0400. Or you can register by going to their website, www.malvernretreat.com. Malvern can answer your questions about the retreat and traveling to the retreat house. If you have any questions about the content of the retreat, feel free to email me.
Posted At : January 22, 2009 2:15 PM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS News/Announcements
You are going to notice the next time you login (if you haven't already) that the Member Center home page looks different. It's not much different but it is enough to take notice. This new design is meant to accommodate the new features that have just been released, as well as make it easier for you to use the AMS site. Many of the new features are additions to the Option Package, so if you are not able to use them, then it is because you do not have the Option Pack.
The following are the new features and new design items to observe:
BULLETIN BOARDS AND INTRODUCTIONS FEATURE
All members will also have access to the newly upgraded Bulletin Boards, where they can communicate with members of either gender and Option Pack members can even 'Introduce' friends to one another.
DROP YOUR HANKY The ladies now have the ability to get the attention of a gentleman she is open to hearing from without sending a message. Simply click on the "Drop Your Hanky" feature while on the gentleman's profile and he will get an alert stating that you have noticed him. (Available to those with the Option Pack)
ASK PERMISSION
The men are now able to see if a woman is open to his writing to her before sending an initial contact. You can always still write to her without getting this permission, but this feature allows the men to see if there is a general openness to his writing before making the initial contact. But gentleman, if she gives you permission, please make sure your initial contact to her is a quality note and will give her a positive impression. (Available to those with the Option Pack)
NEW MATCHES When you login, you will now see a section called "New Matches". In addition to your "Custom Search Results" which those with the Option Pack are already used to, this "New Matches" area allows you to see who is online, those in your age range and geographical location, and who are the newest members. Included in the results will be those who have expressed an interest. This includes those who have used the "Ask Permission" to write feature (only men have this feature) or have used the "Drop Your Hanky" feature (only women have this feature).
POST A COMMENT
Option Pack members can also 'Post a Comment' on another member's profile, leaving feedback, encouragement or vouching for a friend who is on the site as well. In the spirit of fostering 'meetings' that might not otherwise happen, there is also a new 'Matchmaker' feature where members can notify friends or acquaintances from the Bulletin Boards of a member they think they might like to get to know. (Available to those with the Option Pack)
DIRECT FROM PROFILE MESSAGING
On the new Profile page, members can write to each other from the page itself, so as to make it easier to refer to things the member might have mentioned in their profile. They can also add other members they are interested in to their Contact List. (Available to those with the Option Pack)
MAKE NOTES The Contact List has been updated to allow you to make notes to yourself about anyone you put into your Contact List, as well as add an interest level you have for that person. (Available to those with the Option Pack)
VOUCHING FOR YOU
Ask friends and family members who are not on the site to vouch for you using the new "Vouch" feature. These will be posted on your profile. (Available to those with the Option Pack)
MAKE FOLDERS
Now you can organize all those messages sent and received. The upgraded Inbox now has the ability to create folders to help manage your correspondences. (Available to those with the Option Pack)
SORTING OPTIONS
On the new Contacts list page, you will notice there are many new sorting options and organizational features.
We hope you enjoy these new features and the new look of the Member Center. Please make sure you contact us if you have any problems or find any bugs in using these features.
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