Posted At : July 28, 2010 11:07 AM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS Trips/Events
I’m sorry to announce that the AMS Holy Land pilgrimage for this coming November has been cancelled by our tour company, Consolidated Tours. Only 5 people registered for that trip with one month left to finalize the trip. I am disappointed to see this trip get cancelled. But it is a casualty of a growing trend in our AMS trips; namely a decline in attendance.
In the last two years we have had the following trips and attendee numbers:
January 2008 – Caribbean cruise, 60+ people
June 2008 – Malvern Retreat, 170+ people
November 2008 – Holy Land Pilgrimage, 45+ people
January 2009 – Caribbean cruise, 40+ people
June 2009 – Malvern Retreat, 100+ people
October 2009 – Rome Pilgrimage, 30+ people
January 2009 – Caribbean cruise, 15+ people
March 2010 – Lourdes/Fatima Pilgrimage – 15+ people
June 2010 – Malvern Retreat, 75+ people
July 2010 – Alaska cruise, 25+ people
November 2010 – Holy Land Pilgrimage, 5 people – CANCELLED
The groups who attend have been fantastic. However, the more who attend, the better; particularly for the hope of actually meeting your future spouse. Ironically, there seems to be a growing interest in our trips (as our AMS Trips Facebook page proves). So perhaps there is a lot of interest, but too few who are able to make the commitment. There is no doubt that our economic times are probably causing some of this decline in attendance. But it has to be more than that. Our retreats are under $400 and the Caribbean cruise is pretty cheap for a week’s vacation. I am skeptical about it being only a money issue because I see people are still spending money on things that matter to them.
Whatever the reasons are, I would like to find them out, and I would like your help in deciding what to do next. Sadly, this decline over the last year made me wonder how much time I should devout to putting together these trips. It is also put me in a position where I am not sure I can personally attend. It is important for me to attend our trips, but it has to make sense for me to leave my family and spend that kind of time away. The 2010 Caribbean cruise and Lourdes/Fatima pilgrimage I was not able to attend.
AMS trips are an incredible offering. The hundreds who have attended the trips and retreats can attest to that. I am more than willing to put these trips together for the sake of helping single Catholics have an offline experience that allows them to interact in person with great Catholic individuals in the context of a well-organized experience they all can benefit from. However, you have to want them. There has to be a demand for them, and a growing demand at that.
I am calling out to you all at this time to come forward and share your comments on this post and on the AMS Trips page to dialogue with us and with other members about the trips. So please come forward at this time and share your thoughts and suggestions. Talk to the other members . Ask your questions about these trips. Tell us why you can’t attend. Let those who have been on trips share with you why they are worth attending.
Let’s have constructive dialogue about this. I am very open minded and want to find a way to make our trips work so that many, many more people will attend them.
Posted At : May 31, 2010 11:08 AM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS Trips/Events
Please take a moment to view this video message from Fr. Timothy Castor.
Father Castor is our chaplain for our pilgrimage to the Holy land again this year. He offers some insights as to why a trip to the Holy Land is something that all Christians should experience for themselves.
We hope that many of you will join us in November when we return to the Holy Land to follow in the footsteps of Christ.
Posted At : May 13, 2010 4:29 PM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS Trips/Events
I hope that many of you will be joining us for our June retreat in just three weeks in beautiful Malvern, PA. There is something very peaceful about that area and the Malvern Retreat House is truly beautiful.
I love the format of our June retreat - we start by allowing attendees to arrive on Thursday evening. It's a flexible arrival time, get here whenever you can and unpack, unwind, meet the other people attending. Adoration is available, as well. On Friday we begin our day with the Rosary, followed by a welcome. Then the retreat gets started with a couple of talks.
Friday evening we have professional dance instruction in preparation for our social event Saturday evening. My band and I play a mix of music so that you can show off your new steps. This has become a traditional part of the retreat. Everyone really looks forward to this fun and relaxing time to enjoy each other's company.
During the day on Saturday we offer several talks, as well as have Confessional available, and a vigil Mass for Sunday.
So come join us, and bring a friend if you like! Remember, our retreats and trips are open to anyone, not just AMS members. I'm looking forward to the retreat, and seeing all of you.
Posted At : May 11, 2010 11:13 AM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS News/Announcements
If you have not noticed yet, there is a new tab at the top of the Member Center called "Freelance Work". These are challenging times, and many people are struggling to find work or make some extra money. AMS was made aware of Freelancer.com, which posts job listings for a variety of at-home freelance work opportunities. We decided to make recent listings available on our site for our members. Most of these positions are virtual based and can be done from anywhere. These jobs are anything from data entry, to sales, to programming. There are many more listings if you go to the Freelancer.com website and join. We hope that many of our members will find this service useful in this current economic climate.
I want to invite and encourage you to register for our pilgrimage to the Holy Land this November 3-10, if you have not done so already. We have only (50) spots. There really is no spiritual travel experience like walking in footsteps of Jesus.
Our tour brings us through Galilee, Jerusalem, Judea, and Bethlehem. A highlight of the trip is celebrating Mass in the Garden of Gethsemene like we did last time. Truly indescribable!
IF YOU ARE HESITANT....
You can read a little bit about our last pilgrimage, and read comments from our past participants here: http://bit.ly/9GhQtI.
Many of our past participants have admitted that they had qualms about going: they were worried about the expense, they had concerns about safety, they were unsure whether there would be too much pressure to meet someone while attending this trip. But across the board, they all said that the Holy Land pilgrimage was a blessing and unique experience, and were so glad that they attended.
HOW TO PAY FOR IT
We realize that in these challenging economic times it is difficult to justify a trip such as this. Maybe you can use your tax refund toward the deposit or to pay for the entire trip. Also, Consolidated Tours has a payment plan to make it easier to pay it off by September. It's $3,300 total, including everything. No surprises! You get the round trip flight out of NY, hotels, all transportation for the tours, all taxes and tips included, two meals per day, and even the hidden fuel charges. So that's $600 per month payment plan, if you are starting now. The deposit is only $300 to reserve your space.
NEED COMMITMENT BY MID-JUNE
Though the deadline to pay for this pilgrimage is September 1, we need your commitment by mid-June. Consolidated Tours needs to keep making payments on the great hotel and airfare deals they got for us. Their distributors need to see most of the down money by mid-June in order to keep the discounts. SO PLEASE....if you are serious about going, make the commitment by putting in your $300 deposit now (or by mid-June). You can call Consolidated Tours at 404-767-2727 to ask any questions. You need the registration form to print out and mail in, which you get on the AMS website for this trip.
Remember that our trips are open to anyone! So invite a friend or family member to join you on this pilgrimage. It really is an inspirational journey, which will bless you in many way. Thank you and I hope you will take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to go to the Holy Land with a great Catholic group.
Posted At : September 8, 2009 12:27 PM | Posted By : Ann Hanincik
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AMS Coaches
Staying on the Road
We’ve been traveling on “Vocation Road,” trying to first of all make sense of the word, then to see what vocation calls each of us to do — or, more precisely, to be. The road, as in real life, has been smooth and bumpy, straight and twisting. But this activity is the drama of life! To live without facing the profound questions of one’s life is to miss the absolute surprise that each day brings. Even though our vocation journey as single persons causes us to sometimes face very difficult questions (about marriage, having a family of our own, and the very real possibility that these desires may not come to fruition in the way we wish them to), even these questions and the search for their answers become a way by which God works in our hearts. Each one of us — married, consecrated, single person — is in a kind of furnace, constantly being refined by the Lord. (See Malachi 3:2–3, “For he is like the refiner’s fire, or like the fuller’s lye. He will sit refining and purifying (silver), and he will purify the sons of Levi, refining them like gold or like silver that they may offer due sacrifice to the LORD.”) Thus our weaknesses and hang-ups get tested and transformed, and our strengths increase and become ever more oriented toward love. This is part of our earthly pilgrimage, in preparation for the union we all desire, namely, to be in God’s heart for eternity.
As we’ve traveled this vocation road together, we made stops in the states of life. We also learned that being single is not itself a “state of life,” or some third way in which we fulfill our vocation to love. Instead, it is somehow a participation in the married state and the consecrated state. Being single most closely reflects the life of a consecrated person, since our gift of self is not mediated through a spouse. We live lives of poverty, in that we depend on the Lord, particularly when we feel at our weakest or most vulnerable. We are obedient to His word for our state in life (as promised in our baptismal vows) — and when it is difficult to obey, we fall back on the poverty that reminds us He is there to keep us from falling. Finally, we live chastity in continence (that is, by not engaging in a sexual relationship, but maintaining a stance of awe and wonder at the goodness of the human person). At the same time, we also closely identify with those who are married, primarily because we ourselves have that desire, and also because we come from a family. We have relatives and friends who are married and have children, and we walk alongside them on the road of their vocations in friendship and love. These experiences are our own important expressions of self-giving love within the lives of these families with whom we are associated. By participating in the family life of friends and relations, we contribute to the vitality of their lives, provide them support, and we offer our own unique form of prayer and blessing in their domestic churches.
Lest you think you are stalled in the single life, it’s important to realize that our vocation journey is always meant to keep us moving. We must always move closer to God and to others, and to live a life of fruitful self-giving. If we feel like we’re stalled, or if we’ve pulled off the road, it’s time to get started again. But how?
The answer is twofold: to stand in open readiness before the Lord, and to give ourselves as a generous offering to others. Simple, isn’t it! No, not really. But if we are serious about living our vocation to love to the full and in accord with who we are as men and women made in God’s image, all that we do as we strive to live in this way helps us to be refined in that furnace of love through which the Lord molds our hearts. You might say, “Oh, it’s a furnace alright, because my unfulfilled desires feel like being in hell!” That’s a dramatic way of phrasing things, but I know that in the reality of desire God’s refinement can feel more like punishment. We must never think of it in this way, however, because God knows the desires of our hearts, and what often feels like pain to us is His tender mercy, helping us to be men and women after His own heart.
Let’s begin by looking at our stance of open readiness, both as a way to get us back on the “Vocation Road,” and to help in living our vocations to the full right where we are. What does it mean to be “open and ready” before God? It first assumes a relationship with Him, some kind of open communication with Him — and not just on Sundays. It is necessary for all of us — and in a special way for those of us who are not married — to know Him in an intimate way, as friend and a Father. Without such a relationship there is absolutely no way for us to truly love another — family, friend, or spouse. God Himself is Love, and He is the Source of our lives and all we hold dear. St. Luke tells us that “in Him we live, and move, and have our being” (Acts 17:28), and so it is only with and in Him that we can hope to give ourselves in love to another. We must recognize our utter dependence on God, and know that He desires our good and our happiness. Hope and trust in Him feed our openness.
To be ready is not simply to have one’s bags packed and the keys in the ignition. Sometimes readiness means waiting. This waiting — of the kind so many of us are engaged in now as we hope for marriage — often feels useless, hopeless, and even a waste of time. But let’s consider the most well known “waiter” of our faith: Mary, the Mother of God. Imagine young Mary — with her own hopes and dreams for the future — visited by the angel, told of her great mission, and humbly submitting to the will of God (“Be it done unto me according to your word”). She is blessed among all women, given the privilege of becoming the Tabernacle that will house the Savior! And then…she waits. Nine long months, in which she “did” nothing. And yet, a great work was being done in and to her. “Yes, but that’s Mary! She’s special! And besides, I’m not asking to give birth to God; I just want to get married!” Yes, Mary is different, and yet she is like all of us, too. She was surely frightened and confused at the angel’s words, just as any of us would be. Mary, however, submitted herself completely, trusting in what God would do for her. Can we boast of the same kind of trust and submission in our own lives?
As for Mary’s status as the Mother of God, it is true that there is only one such Mother, and none of us will ever be asked to do what she did. However, it is not true to say that we are not asked to give birth to God. On the contrary, we all — menand women alike — must become like Mary in our openness to Him, and our willingness to give birth to Him in our hearts. This means we must make a fitting home of our minds and bodies (by how we live, the purity of our thoughts and actions, and in taking care of our bodies properly). We must make a home in which Christ can dwell, and from which we can share Him with the world by our acts of generosity and love. We can’t do any of this if we are not willing to wait as Mary did and allow the Lord to act in us as He did in her. This openness and waiting has everything to do with fulfilling our vocation to love here and now, and in preparing us for the spouse God may have in mind for us.
Next time we’ll look at the other way by which we remain on our “Vocation Road” and keep from getting stalled, namely, by making a generous offering of self to others. The fuel we need to keep going on our journey is of course our relationship with God, but the love in that relationship is also fed by and increases in the love we offer to another.
Posted At : September 1, 2009 8:31 PM | Posted By : Karen Rumore
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AMS Coaches
“Be who you are and be that well.” — St. Francis de Sales
When I was young, I had a timeshare with friends at the beach for nine years. Our weekends were filled with long, lazy days on the beach where stress was as foreign as pasta fagioli. The late afternoons were spent on the deck with frozen drinks that sometimes went on late into the evenings before we would even think of going out for the night. On one particular night, my friends and I were having an especially good time; seeking fun elsewhere didn’t even seem necessary. We kept with our routine though and headed for the bar. There were hundreds of people gathered there, but I was enjoying my friends so much I didn’t really venture out of the corner we had claimed. Eventually I met a man, Joe, but was really more interested in continuing the time with my friends. I bounced back and forth between my friends and Joe for a little while, with the lesser time and attention being spent on him. When I returned to him the last time, he was quiet, but what he said endeared him to me instantly! He told me the time I had arrived. The time! He knew the actual moment I had walked into the restaurant, 8:40 p.m. I asked my friends what time we had arrived, and he was right! I remember still being lost in his last comment when he continued that he had been waiting all night long to talk to me. I was the only person in the place he wanted to talk to and now that I was finally standing there before him, he did not know how to talk to me. I did not walk away so quickly after that and when I did, I took Joe with me.
In marital sessions, one of the things clients hear me say repeatedly is, “Talk outside of your head.” The whole world makes sense inside our heads, but we tend to give people only part of the picture, assuming the rest is known or understood. This tendency is often amplified greatly in dating. We can over examine our thoughts, get in our own way, and divulge even less of what we’re really thinking and trying to say. The scenario above could have turned out very differently. Truth be told, I had little, if any, interest in Joe even though every other woman in the place seemed to. He stood 6'5" with brown wavy hair and had the profile of Christopher Reeve. Because of his striking good looks, I mistakenly assumed he would be arrogant and shallow. Nothing could have been further from the truth. He tried in no way to impress me, which would have been a definite turn-off. On the contrary, when he showed his vulnerability, I saw him in a completely new light. The irony is this: so often we exasperate ourselves trying to find just the right thing to say, whereas if we only would say what we are truly thinking, we would be received much better. Very often clients say to me, “I get so nervous, I don’t know what to say.” Say that, that you do not know what to say! See, you do know what to say! It worked for Joe, and it will work for you too! If it does not, he/she do not value truth and you would rather keep walking then anyway.
The biggest notion to get away from is that there is a right, wrong, or even magical thing to say or do. We cannot make people like us, ever! Some people will be crazy about us that we really wish would go away. No matter what we do, they won’t. With others, we may strive with all we’ve got to have them find us attractive. Yet, no matter what we do, no matter what games we play or what rules we follow, it will just never happen. Remember this: it is always better to be rejected for who you are than to be liked for who you are not.
I was fortunate to have many male friends growing up, especially in my twenties. We all learned a lot from each other about dating and the opposite sex. I was always perplexed by the waiting game the men would play. One of them would meet someone he was really interested in, but purposely not call her for a predetermined number of days. They didn’t want to appear too anxious. Why? To a girl who is interested, it is flattering to know that he is excited! To a girl who is not interested, three days is not going to suddenly make her interested! The point? Go with the truth of what you feel. If you feel excited, express it both verbally and in your actions. Of course, there is such thing as going overboard and I do not recommend calling someone daily that you have just met. You had a life before you met her and need to continue that life afterward as well. Be reasonable, but show what you are thinking and feeling. Be you! There is nothing more attractive!
The first “date” that my sister, Lisa, went on with her husband, Jim, was not a known date to her. They had been in a wedding together and the couple just married lived an hour from them both. Jim asked Lisa if she would like to ride up together to see them, but she knew nothing of his romantic interest in her. She was just going to see her friend. Lisa was a big Seinfeld fan and she was demonstrating the Elaine dance for her girlfriend, cracking up and just having a good old time. Remember, she had no idea she was under first-date scrutiny. Jim had not been a Seinfeld fan and had no idea what she was doing. He literally asked her if she was OK and thought she may have been having a seizure! Needless to say, once she discovered his attraction for her, she had no concerns of being her true silly self right from the beginning. They were married the following year.
Sometimes a first date may not have an overwhelming impression until you have had time to process it, possibly even discuss it with others. I am a firm believer in the three-strike method. Do not discount someone after just one date. They may have been nervous. You may have been nervous. This may not have been an ideal time to assess whether the two of you are compatible or not. If after three dates, however, you are still not experiencing any attraction and do not see potential for moving forward, the kind thing to do is to let them know so you do not waste the other’s time. If there are particular reasons as to why you desire to stop dating them, then the even kinder thing to do is to share those insights with them that can assist them in future dating relationships. You may be walking away for the same reason the last ten dates did. If the person has no knowledge as to why, the next ten will walk away as well, which is why it is kind to share these things with people, no matter how difficult.
Can you imagine what a different world this would be if people received honest feedback, both positive and negative, on a regular basis? Comedian Paul Reiser writes, “Ask most guys why they marry the woman they do, and they’ll tell you, ‘She’s the first one who called me on everything.’ All the things you tried to get away with in the past, all the games you designed and mastered for the express purpose of keeping people at arm’s length were, it turns out, all just a weeding-out process, a search for the one person who doesn’t fall for it—the one who can sidestep your tricks and see right through you. And ironically, you’re not upset. In fact, you’re impressed. You think, ‘Wow, good for you.’ and the message goes forth: ‘Okay, no more calls, we have a winner.” In other words, not only is it important to be yourself, but to see someone for their true selves and reflect that back to them.
If our friends, families, and dates are constantly honest with us, we could more easily set aside our unreasonable fears. We would not have to walk around with the “what ifs” because we would already know what we truly have to work on and what our strengths are. I constantly hear men’s and women’s fears about dating. “What if I’m not funny enough?” “What if I’m not smart enough?” “What if I’m not pretty enough?” “What if I don’t have anything interesting to say?” etc. Again, I tell you, it is better to be rejected for who you are than to be liked for who you are not. The first line of attack to each of these fears is to look at them up close and personal. I always teach my clients the importance of answering the questions of their fears/anxieties. Never leave “what if” statements hanging. That is where they gain their momentum and power. For instance, “What if I’m not smart enough?” Answer it. “Then we will always have miscommunications and misunderstandings and it is better to find out sooner than later.” You want someone more suitably matched to your own intellect. “What if I’m not funny enough?” Answer it. “Then he/she does not get my sense of humor and would not be a good match anyway.” You get the idea. Be thankful and move on. I always feel so sad when women say, “Men don’t find me attractive.” I always tell them, “You don’t need men to find you attractive. You just need one man. If God has created you for marriage, then He has placed that attraction in a man’s heart.”
God made you, quirks and all. This does not mean to not strive to be better in areas you have identified a need growth in, but it does mean to truly accept yourself first and go from there. When you try to be something other than who you are, it is like telling God, “You made a mistake when You made me. I was supposed to be ___________” (you fill in the blank). He made you in His likeness and image (Genesis 1:26). What could possibly be better than that?
Posted At : August 8, 2009 6:16 PM | Posted By : Ann Hanincik
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AMS Coaches
On a Road Trip through the States…of Life
Last time we looked at the word vocation and learned that we all have one. Our common vocation is to love, and it is a call which shapes the very structure of our being. We are activated to live this call by our baptism. The way we love is expressed in and through our state in life. There are two states in life: the consecrated state and the married state. That gets us back up to speed. Now we’ll take a brief ride through these states — and look at whether those of us who are single are part of the Union, or simply in a foreign territory with or citizenship.
Before we get on the road to travel these States, we should remember that our common vocation to love is the state in which we all live, that is, the Christian state. The Christian state is the place where we love and offer the gift of ourselves every day, in everything we do, in every encounter we have with another, and in every prayer and act of worship directed toward God. We must always remember that it is God who gifts us with the capacity for love, and He enables us to love. When we enter into one of the specific “territories” of the Christian state (the consecrated or married state), we do so knowing that we cannot navigate where those roads may lead us without Him.
The vocation to love as expressed in the married state has its basis in a vow; three vows, to be exact. Vow is not simply a legal term, or the name of a pledge that forces us to accept an obligation. Instead, the vow is the basis for love, it gives love its form. The vow makes space in one’s heart for another. In the Sacrament of Marriage, man and woman (by virtue of their baptism) enter even more deeply into the life of God through a permanent, covenantal relationship. In this covenant they vow to be faithful to each other (fidelity), for life (permanence), and to be open to the gift of children (fruitfulness). Marriage is a way of responding to the vocation to love which is in some way mediated through another — namely, one’s spouse. This means that, if I am married, my point of reference for loving (my spouse, my family, my neighbor and my enemies) is the covenant I made with my spouse in the Lord. Thus, my love for my spouse teaches me to look outside of myself and care for the good of another. I travel on the road toward holiness with my spouse, and I help him/her on that road, too. Marriage is a school of love — of self-sacrifice, prayer, personal growth, and forgiveness — in which my spouse and I, and our children, are students at the feet of the Divine Master. We are at the same time called to be “teachers of love” in how we relate to others. Our school of love prepares us for and nurtures us in loving all those we encounter in the world. This love is called spousal, not only because it originates in the covenantal union of the spouses, but because it is naturally oriented toward a self-gift that is fruitful. Marriage is, then, a real way of holiness, and it becomes a sign to the world of God’s own faithful, enduring and fruitful love.
The vocation to love as expressed in the consecrated life is a very similar kind of love — one which is grounded in a vow and is spousal — but it is mediated differently. That is, the consecrated man or woman is enrolled in a school of love in which he or she is also teacher and student of a love that is spousal, that is, one that demands the gift of oneself to be directed outward for the good of another. But the consecrated person focuses his/her gift of self directly to Christ through His Bride, the Church. Thus love is mediated through the Church to his/her Beloved. Just as the spouses learn to love their family and the world through the covenant they share with each other, the consecrated person takes the love received in his/her family and communal experiences, and sees it refined and deepened through the love of Christ. Therefore, if I am consecrated I make a gift of myself through prayer and the charism to which I have pledged myself. If I am in a religious order, my obedience to my superior and the work I do as a member of the order teach me to love and make opportunities for me to love. My closeness to the Lord allows me to love Him more and more in the service I make to others. My love is certainly spousal, in that I give myself completely to my Beloved, and through Him and His Church, to the whole world. But it is also motherly, because I seek not only to be of service, but to cultivate and nurture love in others.
Similarly, it is fatherly, as when a priest gives himself through his ministry and prayer life for his parish. The gift of self a priest makes to the Lord is in and through his gift of self to his parish. In loving the People of God, the priest cultivates and nurtures their love for Him. As a consequence, the consecrated person receives the gift of self offered by those whom he/she serves. In this way, the consecrated person is also a sign of God’s faithful, enduring and fruitful love.
We discussed what love is in our last article: presence (being attentive to and oriented toward another); openness (making space in my heart and my life for another); and gift (offering myself to another and seeking his/her well-being before my own). We have also learned that love is fruitful. If it is authentic it is life-giving, and it cannot be contained and horded like secret treasure. It is made to be shared and to grow. The family is the first school of love. Spouses learn together, and then teach others, presence, openness and how to share the gift of self. It is in the school of love of the family that men and women then choose to be continuing students as well as teachers of love in either the married or consecrated states.
This brings us back to where we started: if there are two states in life — married and consecrated — but some of us are neither married nor seem to be oriented toward the consecrated life, where do we fit in? Is there a “third way” called “the single state” where we belong? A Swiss theologian named Hans Urs von Balthasar, who wrote a book about the states called The Christian State of Life, says that there is no “third” way. Instead, he proposes that the Christian state — our vocation to love God and neighbor and to make a complete gift of self — is the foundation for the expression of love in the married or consecrated states. The one who finds himself in neither state is not “off the hook” in terms of being called to love and self gift. Nor is he/she somehow “marked” by God as one who is not called to express the vocation to love in a specific way. Instead, the person who is single must love fully and well in the place where God has put him/her at this time. For many single people, this is a place of discernment, praying, seeking counsel, and deciding whether God is leading them toward marriage or the consecrated life. If one is called to the married state, this discernment includes prayer, seeking counsel from Godly men and women whom one trusts, and, of course, dating. If one is called to the religious life, the discernment continues by talking with priests and religious, visiting monasteries or seminaries, and finally entering into that life. Some may not be sure where God is calling them, or they may have discerned that they are to be married. In these cases, the single person finds him/herself in a state of waiting: anticipating the Lord’s call with a stance of openness to whatever He has in store.
This stance of anticipation and openness can be most fruitful and joyful; but it is also often the most frustrating and even sad part of being single. Anticipation can turn to confusion and even desperation. The journey toward holiness on the path of love can become arduous as we wonder into what strange territory God is leading us. If we are not firmly planted in the soil of one or the other states of life, are we then destined to be foreigners? Will we be nomads all of our lives, searching but not finding a home? The answer to these questions is, in a word: NO!!! The Lord hears the cries of our hearts, and He has a home chosen for us, namely in His own heart. Our search may not immediately lead us to our destination — or that the journey might continue until we reach our final Home — and this is something with which we must come to terms. For now, it must be said that the single person (especially one who believes he/she is called to marriage) is not left on the sidelines watching the rest of the world pass by. Rather, the single person must travel that road of love both in the “here and now,” and in the “is to come.” That is, the single person must give him/herself completely as a gift to family, friends, parish, community, etc., while at the same praying for and living in joyful expectation of his/her spouse. The most important thing a single person can do as he journeys on the road of love is (as Balthasar would affirm) be open to whatever the Lord desires for him/her. This requires great trust, which is not always easy to muster. The Lord is certain to call us to great things during this time as a single person. He always fulfils the desires of our hearts, and often does so in unexpected ways that far surpass anything we could have dreamed.
In our next article we’ll look at this time of waiting and anticipation, and how we can better pay attention to what the Lord is calling us to — and how we can respond to Him with an open and loving heart.
Posted At : August 4, 2009 12:03 PM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
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AMS Coaches
Below is a message from one of our AMS coaches, Damian Wargo of the King's Men, about an upcoming unique retreat they are having for men.
Are you desirous of an experience like no other in the great outdoors? Do you wonder why you as a man feel most at home in nature? Do you feel like you have missed out on some outdoor initiation experiences as a young man? Then the “Into the Wild” retreat weekend is your answer. The King’s Men are sponsoring an outdoor experiential weekend for men at French Creek State Park in Elverson, PA, on September 10-13. Come and learn with other men who are seeking growth in their masculine calling as leaders, protectors, and providers. Join The King’s Men leader team for an exciting outdoor faith experience filled with activities that are sure to bring your masculine heart alive! For more information, visit www.intothewildweekend.com or call Damian Wargo at 215-906-8878.
Posted At : July 25, 2009 2:55 PM | Posted By : Karen Rumore
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AMS Coaches
The concept of “The Box” was something I created for clients very early on in my career after watching people coerce themselves (and others) into relationships that were clearly not meant to be. Most of us have a “laundry list” of traits, characteristics, and qualities that we desire in a mate. Some, not all, even have very specific ideas as to what their dream man or woman looks like. Hopefully, things like appearance would be included in the items that are placed outside The Box. What goes in The Box are those traits that are too true to the core of who we are to compromise on them. Yes, relationships are all about compromising and self-sacrificial love, but, at the same time, we cannot compromise who we are in doing so. Things like spirituality, level of affection, sense of humor, etc., belong inside The Box. There are no right or wrong answers to these statements, but rather a compatibility that is necessary. If you are a very affectionate person and talk yourself into a relationship with someone who is physically non-demonstrative, eventually you will end up feeling unattractive and even unloved. The dialogue with self might sound something like this: “Well, he/she is so smart, interesting, attractive, and funny that it’s OK he or she doesn’t hug me. I’m just needy.” Denying one’s own legitimate needs is dangerous!
This self-renunciation will be acceptable only for a time. Ultimately, you will begin to feel empty, and as though you are not loved. The other could justifiably say, “But I have always been this way!” Now, this does not necessarily mean one should immediately walk away from someone if there is something unchecked in The Box. It does mean that the item needs to be addressed as soon as it is identified. You may learn that he/she has experienced some trauma in the past regarding touch and may be willing to work it through. However, you may learn that he or she is opposed to working on it and will remain non-affectionate. This could be evidenced by them telling you, “This is just who I am,” or he says he will change, and remains the same. When this happens, you seriously need to consider whether you wish to live the rest of your life feeling disconnected from and even rejected by the one you love the most. This does not just apply to touch but is applicable to all the items in The Box. Address it. Find the reason for the incompatibility. See if there is desire for change and assess whether or not their actions are matching their words. Allow me to repeat that: ASSESS WHETHER OR NOT THEIR ACTIONS ARE CONSISTENT WITH THEIR WORDS! An important note: If you encounter the case given above where someone directly tells you, “This is who I am,” BELIEVE them! Women especially tend to write their own scripts and can even twist a statement as forthright as that to satisfy their own desires.
Before we go any further, I would like you to take out a piece of paper and create your dream Mr./Mrs. Right. Go crazy and be as specific as you possibly can be. Think back on past dating experiences. What do you believe you cannot live without and what you do not want to live through ever again? You might even want to take a couple of days to complete the exercise and come back to it later. When you have finished your list, take out another piece of paper and prioritize the attributes, virtues, and characteristics you have just described. As you go down the list, with your most important quality being listed in the number one spot, you will come to a point of being able to say, “I would really like to have this trait in someone, but I could live without it.” That is where you draw the line. Everything going from that point toward number one is now contained within your Box. Everything in The Box has become your blueprint and guide to gauge whether the one you are dating is worth moving forward with.
What is very, very, VERY important is that everything in your Box is something you possess yourself. For example, if you are looking for someone who is faith-filled, but not practicing your faith, you need to seek the Lord before seeking a mate. If you desire someone who is financially stable and you are a spendthrift, you need to curb your spending first and educate yourself on fiscal responsibility. In other words, you need to get to work on becoming the person in your Box yourself first!
Important considerations for your Box
• Relationship with the Lord
• Attitude toward birth control/abortion
• Sense of humor (Again, there is no right or wrong, it is just important that you “get” each other, as laughter carries a long way in healing and in difficult times.)
• Level of demonstrative affection
• Views on parenting
• Views on stay-at-home moms
• The manner in which he or she handles finances
• Etc.
Things you would prefer to have in a mate but can live without are placed outside The Box
• Playing certain sports
• Love of travel
• Musically talented
• Hair color
• Eye color
• Height
• Weight
• Etc.
An example of a woman’s list might look something like this. . .
• Attends Mass more than Sundays and Holy days
• Prays daily
• Demonstrates signs of introspection and is able to share his insights with me
• Believes in natural family planning
• Believes in mothers staying at home with their children
• Cracks me up! Can laugh at himself and helps me laugh at myself
• Is not afraid to challenge me to grow and is interested in helping me become the person God created me to be
• Thinks of me and shows it in the little things
• Is appreciative of the little things I do to show him I have thought of him
• Has his own group of friends and interests
• Is generous toward friends and family with his time, talent and treasure
• Understands that men and women are different and that an ongoing dialogue is going to be necessary throughout the life of the relationship
• Is family oriented
• Is open to counseling should there come a time it becomes necessary
• Likes to dance
• Likes music
• Likes golf
• Likes the beach
• Likes to cook
• At least 6 feet tall
• Olive complected
• Dark hair, preferably with a wave
• Dark eyes
• Great teeth
• Physically fit
• Likes to travel
You get the idea. Remember, The Box above was just one example. Everyone’s Box is going to be different. For someone else, traveling or even dancing could actually be legitimate items in your Box. I am thinking of my friend John, who is an avid dancer and even teaches dance. While not up there at the level of Mass attendance and personal insight, dancing is such a passion for him that I could not begin to imagine him with someone who does not share that passion. He loves to share it with the one he is most passionate about, his bride, and what a wonderful duo they are! The same thing goes for travel and many other items on the list that could have greater value for one person than another. The important thing here is to be honest with yourself and not to deny a real need.
On the flip side, things that you once thought were important, typically physical appearance, matter less and less as you get to know someone. It’s funny how often I have seen a man who has had a very distinct look in the women he has dated over and over again, only to marry someone who looks completely different. The same goes for a woman who thought it was so important to be with a man who was tall and ended up with someone just her size. These are NOT examples of settling for less, but a matter of recognizing new priorities. Just as it is important to not deny real needs, it is just as important to not elevate something to a need that is not.
The whole point of The Box is this:
• Do not waste time disregarding men or women because of traits that could have nothing to do with compatibility.
• Do not try to convince yourself to believe something is good when it is not. If indeed God created you to live out your vocation as a husband or a wife, then He also created the one He intends you to live out that vocation with to the fullest (John 10:10). When you disregard the items in your Box, it is like telling God, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’ve got a better idea.” Yet, when troubles arise, God is the first one blamed. “How could You let this happen to me?”
The Box is not about getting eight checks out of ten or a percentage; just the opposite. Every item in The Box must be checked. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for serious emptiness, letdowns, and unnecessary pain. Am I asking you to find the perfect mate? No! I am asking you to find the one who is perfect for you, the one God intends. Relationships require hard work. However, the more checks you have in your Box, the more productive and fruitful your joint work will be! God has sown into you the qualities in your Box that make up the treasure of who you are. It is up to you to protect them!
